How I Met Your Method

I'm Barnbert Stinslich. Yes, THE Barnbert from Teaneck. This is an awesome time to live in Teaneck, because I live there and my awesomeness. Sometimes I amaze myself with awesomousity. I only buy the best, eat the best and hang out with the best.

When I pray, I pray with the best, too.
Arzei Darom you say?
You offensive simpleton I said the best.
I pray with Rabbi Feldman at Etz Chaim of Teaneck.
The synagogue is
legen-
wait for it



-dary!

One of the things that makes Etz Chaim
legen-
wait for it
-dary
is our awesome Playbook.


















Ah, the Playbook.
The root of all of Etz Chaim's awesomeness. It helps us navigate the perils of Bloggerville. There are a lot of hatahs out there and we needed a guide to help us respond to them and respond to them we will. So lets lawsuit up and review some of the rules:

1. If someone has to audacity to bring up the Betty G(r)able letters, you must fantasize about her and her deliciously hot body (definitely not a him. It couldn't possibly be Mario Guralnik) and then respond:
You are quoting a letter from the mysterious "Betty Grable." While such a letter might arouse my suspicions, too, were I an opponent, I would not be inclined to rely too heavily on a communication by an apparently fictitious person. If there were something official from Etz Chaim to that effect, it would be different. But Etz Chaim stated in the first meeting that no such plans exist and no such intention exists.






















2. If they ask you about the truth of what Etz Chaim is doing float them a gentle:

You obviously don't know anyone within EC, and I can't imagine you have actually tried to talk with any of them one on one.















3. If you are asked, Why Rabbi Daniel Feldman doesn't talk in public about the involvement of Mr. Betty Gable in the operations of his shul and the maintenance of the property or any issues about Etz Chaim and 554 Queen Anne Rd. you can whisper these sweet nothings through the magic of the internet:
He will consider standing up once those who slander him identify themselves and their comments.
or
Why don't you? I'm sure you haven't. Easier to type accusations on a keyboard, I suppose.





















4. If someone says something you generally dislike, you take a deep breath, flex your manly fingers and type with conviction:
Enough with the insults. You are not doing anything to promote peace in what is already a too-contentious situation.
Then you should insult them right back and attack Arzei Darom and other shuls in the area because of our special brand of shul envy. Especially for Beth Aaron and their grandfathered ability to have zero off the street parking.















5. And lastly, if someone accuses Etz Chaim of impropriety, no matter how valid, you must respond very forcefully:

Your allegation is without basis. I'm not going to claim there aren't reasons to oppose Etz Chaim in this endeavor, but your slanderous accusation is not one of them.
And then tear them a new asshole with your righteous anger. Yes anger, one of our best qualities.












If this doesn't work we are going to lawsuit up and go out to the Rutherford Institute.

We are very lucky to have the Planbook. Without it, Teaneck would never understand what we are really about or fully appreciate our awesomeness the way it was meant to appreciated.

Hope to chat again soon,

Barnbert Stinslich

Where's The Beef?

I was asked the following on another blog:


macdmusings whoever you are you seem to angry at Etz Chaim but not about the neighborhood stuff. What's your beef?







My response was:


My "beef" is that Etz Chaim, instead of showing remorse for their actions and trying to build bridges, are dragging orthodoxy through the dirt in Teaneck.

Be genuinely humble, reach out to the neighbors in a real open way, drop Robert Erlich as president and lose the connection to Mr. Guralnik on all levels (the alleged non-denier of writing the Betty Gable letters). If Etz Chaim does that, for real, I can realistically see things calm down. They need to change Teaneck's perception of them

And the response to this posting will be, "You obviously don't know anyone within EC, and I can't imagine you have actually tried to talk to any of them one on one."
That's why I blame the leadership. They control the strategies, plans and tone of the of Etz Chaim's actions, not the average minyan goer.

Where is Rabbi Feldman and what is his role in leading Etz Chaim? I am sure if he was truly in charge this wouldn't be happening.

What do you, the reader, think or feel about my answer? Do you agree?

Be blunt!

Famous Typos

Sometimes I find interesting articles from around the 'net that I feel may be interesting to my readers. This particular one stuck out because it reminded me of Etz Chaim's changed attitude and message. They feel that the BOA should forget what Etz Chaim did in the past and they should only focus on the future. In that spirit, may I present selected excerpts from an article titled Famous Typos with some additional typos included:

• “This contract shall be effective as of the singing of this agreement.”---From a customer’s rental agreement; he was not a vocalist.“



• He used his wench to pull his truck out of the ditch.”---That’s not the purpose of women“



• “Sign up now for our Beauty and Fitness Curse.”--Open Education Exchange“
  
  
  
  



• We practice an esoteric form of transcendental medication.”--A customer’s newsletter



• “To Whom I May Concncern:”--Oops. Saw that on a letter one day.
  
  



• “We proudly feature some-day shipping.”--I may need it sooner than that



• “Our massage treatments help relive your pain.”--From a brochure
  
  
  


• “The penis mightier than the sword.”--For lack of a space…

My all-time favorite used to be
and his misspelling of "potatoe".
It is not really a typo, because it was a spoken error, but it is still pretty damn funny.

I think Murphy Brown would agree.

My new favorite typo is 554 Queen Anne Rd, Inc. - DBA: Etz Chaim of Teaneck's. They mistakenly wrote "family play room" instead of "family pray room". That is a BIG typo. Etz Chaim wants the BOA to forget what Etz Chaim did in the past and only focus on the future. Of course, when one makes a mistake, one apologizes and acts humbly to show remorse and shame for their error. Has Etz Chaim or any of their representatives admitted that they made a mistake?



Next time you see President Robert Erlich ask him if it was a typo and if he feels any remorse for his or Etz Chaim's actions. There is no doubt in my mind that, when you ask him, the President will give you a definitive answer, loud and clear.

He will also remind you of his answer at subsequent meetings, no matter what the venue. He is a very zealous man.

Now that I have shared my thoughts with you, what are some typos you have seen? Please leave your examples in the comments section. I'm looking forward to reading them.

Parking Solutions (Part 2)

President Robert Erlich here are my additional parking proposals. It was very unclear what stacked parking means,
so I will do my best:

New York City Style

Pyramid

Oooooops! Wrong kind of stacked.

Building Block Stacked

Straight Up

Park at CVS

What About Bob?

And now for the WWMD Hollywood Minute.

While some of us stayed home to catch the trainwrecks on the latest installment of American Idol, a very special social event took place in the Jefferson Middle School. After last week's classic Pants on the Ground, maybe you didn't want to miss out on the latest watercooler chit chat at work today.

But for those that could tear themselves away from AI last night were in for a treat.

All the Stars were out at the latest hearing of the Township of Teaneck Board of Adjustments VS. Etz Chaim of Teaneck. There was a J-LO spotting and miraculously she was able to sit right next to Kim Kardashian.

By all accounts it was a very squishy row.

Etz Chaim was sporting a new '010 model lawyer at the BOA hearing. The '09 one was soooo last year. No one can accuse Etz Chaim of not spending extra money on their Shul instead of paying down their mortgage or not being in style.

At WWMD Hollywood Minute we learned that the value of the property at 554 Queen Anne Rd is continuing to drop, despite the best efforts of the owners trying to raise property values by adding a family room on steroids, a bathroom and a kitchen. If Etz Chaim doesn't get their approval, Rabbi Feldman's kids will get an unnaturally large indoor play area. They will have the ideal Brooklyn home, no backyard required!

Testimony was given by Etz Chaim's planner and architect on Wednesday night, but insiders were concerned and wondering What About Bob?
President Robert Erlich wasn't called upon to provide his candid explanations for Etz Chaim's actions and motivations. He reminds us of a young Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf.

Maybe next time. Your fan miss you!

And finally, Etz Chaim's attitude and message has changed. They feel that the BOA should forget what Etz Chaim did in the past and they should only focus on the future. Please check out http://554queenanne.info/ for the history behind the disagreement between Etz Chaim, the Township and the Neighbors. There are no opinions there or conjecture, just primary source materials.

Based on Etz Chaim of Teaneck's past actions and methods, this blogger quotes George Santayana, a notable philosopher, Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it and a classic proverb Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.

Has the Teaneck Township connected the dots yet?

I'm Shluffenheimer MacDougal and this has been the WWMD Hollywood Minute.

Tonight's Gonna Be A Good Night!

BOA Meeting tonight
Wednesday January 20th at 7 PM
at the Thomas Jefferson Middle School Auditorium
655 Teaneck Rd., Teaneck, NJ

Black Eyed Peas - I Gotta Feeling lyrics

Tonight's Gonna Be A Good Night!