How I Met Your Method

I'm Barnbert Stinslich. Yes, THE Barnbert from Teaneck. This is an awesome time to live in Teaneck, because I live there and my awesomeness. Sometimes I amaze myself with awesomousity. I only buy the best, eat the best and hang out with the best.

When I pray, I pray with the best, too.
Arzei Darom you say?
You offensive simpleton I said the best.
I pray with Rabbi Feldman at Etz Chaim of Teaneck.
The synagogue is
legen-
wait for it



-dary!

One of the things that makes Etz Chaim
legen-
wait for it
-dary
is our awesome Playbook.


















Ah, the Playbook.
The root of all of Etz Chaim's awesomeness. It helps us navigate the perils of Bloggerville. There are a lot of hatahs out there and we needed a guide to help us respond to them and respond to them we will. So lets lawsuit up and review some of the rules:

1. If someone has to audacity to bring up the Betty G(r)able letters, you must fantasize about her and her deliciously hot body (definitely not a him. It couldn't possibly be Mario Guralnik) and then respond:
You are quoting a letter from the mysterious "Betty Grable." While such a letter might arouse my suspicions, too, were I an opponent, I would not be inclined to rely too heavily on a communication by an apparently fictitious person. If there were something official from Etz Chaim to that effect, it would be different. But Etz Chaim stated in the first meeting that no such plans exist and no such intention exists.






















2. If they ask you about the truth of what Etz Chaim is doing float them a gentle:

You obviously don't know anyone within EC, and I can't imagine you have actually tried to talk with any of them one on one.















3. If you are asked, Why Rabbi Daniel Feldman doesn't talk in public about the involvement of Mr. Betty Gable in the operations of his shul and the maintenance of the property or any issues about Etz Chaim and 554 Queen Anne Rd. you can whisper these sweet nothings through the magic of the internet:
He will consider standing up once those who slander him identify themselves and their comments.
or
Why don't you? I'm sure you haven't. Easier to type accusations on a keyboard, I suppose.





















4. If someone says something you generally dislike, you take a deep breath, flex your manly fingers and type with conviction:
Enough with the insults. You are not doing anything to promote peace in what is already a too-contentious situation.
Then you should insult them right back and attack Arzei Darom and other shuls in the area because of our special brand of shul envy. Especially for Beth Aaron and their grandfathered ability to have zero off the street parking.















5. And lastly, if someone accuses Etz Chaim of impropriety, no matter how valid, you must respond very forcefully:

Your allegation is without basis. I'm not going to claim there aren't reasons to oppose Etz Chaim in this endeavor, but your slanderous accusation is not one of them.
And then tear them a new asshole with your righteous anger. Yes anger, one of our best qualities.












If this doesn't work we are going to lawsuit up and go out to the Rutherford Institute.

We are very lucky to have the Planbook. Without it, Teaneck would never understand what we are really about or fully appreciate our awesomeness the way it was meant to appreciated.

Hope to chat again soon,

Barnbert Stinslich

Where's The Beef?

I was asked the following on another blog:


macdmusings whoever you are you seem to angry at Etz Chaim but not about the neighborhood stuff. What's your beef?







My response was:


My "beef" is that Etz Chaim, instead of showing remorse for their actions and trying to build bridges, are dragging orthodoxy through the dirt in Teaneck.

Be genuinely humble, reach out to the neighbors in a real open way, drop Robert Erlich as president and lose the connection to Mr. Guralnik on all levels (the alleged non-denier of writing the Betty Gable letters). If Etz Chaim does that, for real, I can realistically see things calm down. They need to change Teaneck's perception of them

And the response to this posting will be, "You obviously don't know anyone within EC, and I can't imagine you have actually tried to talk to any of them one on one."
That's why I blame the leadership. They control the strategies, plans and tone of the of Etz Chaim's actions, not the average minyan goer.

Where is Rabbi Feldman and what is his role in leading Etz Chaim? I am sure if he was truly in charge this wouldn't be happening.

What do you, the reader, think or feel about my answer? Do you agree?

Be blunt!

Famous Typos

Sometimes I find interesting articles from around the 'net that I feel may be interesting to my readers. This particular one stuck out because it reminded me of Etz Chaim's changed attitude and message. They feel that the BOA should forget what Etz Chaim did in the past and they should only focus on the future. In that spirit, may I present selected excerpts from an article titled Famous Typos with some additional typos included:

• “This contract shall be effective as of the singing of this agreement.”---From a customer’s rental agreement; he was not a vocalist.“



• He used his wench to pull his truck out of the ditch.”---That’s not the purpose of women“



• “Sign up now for our Beauty and Fitness Curse.”--Open Education Exchange“
  
  
  
  



• We practice an esoteric form of transcendental medication.”--A customer’s newsletter



• “To Whom I May Concncern:”--Oops. Saw that on a letter one day.
  
  



• “We proudly feature some-day shipping.”--I may need it sooner than that



• “Our massage treatments help relive your pain.”--From a brochure
  
  
  


• “The penis mightier than the sword.”--For lack of a space…

My all-time favorite used to be
and his misspelling of "potatoe".
It is not really a typo, because it was a spoken error, but it is still pretty damn funny.

I think Murphy Brown would agree.

My new favorite typo is 554 Queen Anne Rd, Inc. - DBA: Etz Chaim of Teaneck's. They mistakenly wrote "family play room" instead of "family pray room". That is a BIG typo. Etz Chaim wants the BOA to forget what Etz Chaim did in the past and only focus on the future. Of course, when one makes a mistake, one apologizes and acts humbly to show remorse and shame for their error. Has Etz Chaim or any of their representatives admitted that they made a mistake?



Next time you see President Robert Erlich ask him if it was a typo and if he feels any remorse for his or Etz Chaim's actions. There is no doubt in my mind that, when you ask him, the President will give you a definitive answer, loud and clear.

He will also remind you of his answer at subsequent meetings, no matter what the venue. He is a very zealous man.

Now that I have shared my thoughts with you, what are some typos you have seen? Please leave your examples in the comments section. I'm looking forward to reading them.

Parking Solutions (Part 2)

President Robert Erlich here are my additional parking proposals. It was very unclear what stacked parking means,
so I will do my best:

New York City Style

Pyramid

Oooooops! Wrong kind of stacked.

Building Block Stacked

Straight Up

Park at CVS

What About Bob?

And now for the WWMD Hollywood Minute.

While some of us stayed home to catch the trainwrecks on the latest installment of American Idol, a very special social event took place in the Jefferson Middle School. After last week's classic Pants on the Ground, maybe you didn't want to miss out on the latest watercooler chit chat at work today.

But for those that could tear themselves away from AI last night were in for a treat.

All the Stars were out at the latest hearing of the Township of Teaneck Board of Adjustments VS. Etz Chaim of Teaneck. There was a J-LO spotting and miraculously she was able to sit right next to Kim Kardashian.

By all accounts it was a very squishy row.

Etz Chaim was sporting a new '010 model lawyer at the BOA hearing. The '09 one was soooo last year. No one can accuse Etz Chaim of not spending extra money on their Shul instead of paying down their mortgage or not being in style.

At WWMD Hollywood Minute we learned that the value of the property at 554 Queen Anne Rd is continuing to drop, despite the best efforts of the owners trying to raise property values by adding a family room on steroids, a bathroom and a kitchen. If Etz Chaim doesn't get their approval, Rabbi Feldman's kids will get an unnaturally large indoor play area. They will have the ideal Brooklyn home, no backyard required!

Testimony was given by Etz Chaim's planner and architect on Wednesday night, but insiders were concerned and wondering What About Bob?
President Robert Erlich wasn't called upon to provide his candid explanations for Etz Chaim's actions and motivations. He reminds us of a young Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf.

Maybe next time. Your fan miss you!

And finally, Etz Chaim's attitude and message has changed. They feel that the BOA should forget what Etz Chaim did in the past and they should only focus on the future. Please check out http://554queenanne.info/ for the history behind the disagreement between Etz Chaim, the Township and the Neighbors. There are no opinions there or conjecture, just primary source materials.

Based on Etz Chaim of Teaneck's past actions and methods, this blogger quotes George Santayana, a notable philosopher, Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it and a classic proverb Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.

Has the Teaneck Township connected the dots yet?

I'm Shluffenheimer MacDougal and this has been the WWMD Hollywood Minute.

Tonight's Gonna Be A Good Night!

BOA Meeting tonight
Wednesday January 20th at 7 PM
at the Thomas Jefferson Middle School Auditorium
655 Teaneck Rd., Teaneck, NJ

Black Eyed Peas - I Gotta Feeling lyrics

Tonight's Gonna Be A Good Night!

Parking Solutions

President Robert Erlich here are my proposals:

Feel free to use any of these ideas!!

Hiddur Minyan?

There is a concept in Judaism called Hiddur Mitzvah or beautifying the Mitzvah (commandment). This is generally an optional level of fulfilling the your religious obligations. This level of observance is for those that want to go above and perform the commandments at a higher standard, in a glorious manner.

Some examples are:

• A Torah Scroll written with fine inks, fine quill and wrapped in fine silk


• Buying special foods for Shabbos Kodesh (holy) to beautify the day and make it special


• Spending extra money to buy an extra beautiful flawless Ethrog (Citron)


• Buying a beautiful Lulav (Palm Frond)
  
• Building a beautiful Sukkah (Booth)


• Using an expensive Menorah (Candelabra) for Chanukah (Festival of Lights)


• When spending on a Mitzvah, add 1/3 to the amount you were originally going to spend

But the best example of a Hiddur Mitzvah is spending, after construction, over 1 million dollars for a building to be a Shul that is only used for "3%" of the week.

A Selfish Mitzvah

In my last posting, Etz Chaim of Teaneck: Modern Day Robin Hoods?, I discussed the way that Etz Chaim misrepresented themselves to the Teaneck Board of Adjustments and the expenses involved with running their Shul/Prayer Group, such as mortgage, utilities and Rabbi Feldman's salary. Their congregation supports the property purchase and den expansion through dues, donations and a building fund. They have taken on a financial burden to be able to have a place to pray and for Rabbi Feldman and his family to live comfortably, to quote Seinfeld, "not that there is anything wrong with that!"

Between fighting the neighbors, avoiding davening at Arzei Darom, filling out paperwork for the Township and spending time in front of the Board of Adjustments, the leadership of Etz Chaim are working hard to make 554 Queen Anne Road a reality. Its natural to want to show pride in your Synagogue, to make sure that a minyan is maintained in your building, your makom Torah and spiritual home!

I navigated to godaven.com on the intertubes to see Etz Chaim's listing. Rabbi Feldman claimed in The Jewish Standard that The rabbi disputed the change-of-use argument saying that of the 168 hours in a week, only five are devoted to religious services at the house, which are held Friday night and Saturday morning and afternoon. “That’s 3 percent of the time,” he said. “It is our understanding, confirmed in two meetings with the township, that [a] prayer group in the house is a permitted residential use. Thus, we do not believe that the use has been changed in any way.”

Where do they daven on Sundays? According to Etz Chaim advertises that Shabbos/Yontuf Davening is at 554 Queen Anne Road (Rabbis residence). Sunday/Secular Holiday Davening is at Care One (544 Teaneck Rd.).

Based on Rabbi Feldman's math, Sunday's services should not take more than 2 hours or another 1% of the week for a total 7 hours of prayer or 4% of the week.

Why don't they daven in Etz Chaim in the building that they own? How did they choose CareOne at Teaneck?

CareOne at Teaneck is a huge chessed opportunity. Since Etz Chaim davens there on Sundays, their Sunday minyan is taken care of, but who prays there on Shabbos?
As with everything involving Etz Chaim of Teaneck there is usually a hidden motive behind their actions. CareOne's Shabbos minyan is made up a lot of original members of the Merkaz/Torat(s) Chesed/Mechitza Minyan. This was the minyan that Rabbi Daniel Feldman officiated at the Teaneck Jewish Center. Rabbi Feldman abandoned them after he led them out of the Teaneck Jewish Center to CareOne and then took the position at Etz Chaim. The Shabbos minyan goers want nothing to do with Etz Chaim of Teaneck or Rabbi Feldman.

So why does Etz Chaim need to pray in CareOne? Maybe they want to be nice to the Feldman family and not wake them up early on a Sunday morning. It is possible they are being considerate to the neighbors. It is possible that they are just doing a mitzvah.

They have not proven to be a trustworthy nor an honorable group based on their dealings with their neighbors, Arzei Darom and the Teaneck Township. Etz Chaim has an expensive new sanctuary to pray in, so why are they praying in CareOne on Sundays and Holidays? What do you think?

Please keep the conversation constructive and civil. Thank you.

Etz Chaim of Teaneck: Modern Day Robin Hoods?

One of the most romanticized figures on TV, Radio, Movies and in modern culture in general is Robin Hood.

Robin Hood is a hero in English folklore, a highly skilled archer, marksman, swordsman, and outlaw. In particular, he is known for "robbing from the rich and giving to the poor," assisted by a group of fellow outlaws known as his "Merry Men". - Wikipedia

And who could forget the Disney Motion Picture
featuring Robin Hood as a cartoon fox and it's catchy theme song:

Robin Hood and Little John
Walkin' through the forest
Laughin' back and forth
At what the other'ne has to say
Reminiscin', This-'n'-thattin'
Havin' such a good time
Oo-de-lally, Oo-de-lally
Golly, what a day
Never ever thinkin' there was danger in the water
They were drinkin', they just guzzled it down
Never dreamin' that a schemin' sherrif and his posse
Was a-watchin' them an' gatherin' around
Robin Hood and Little John
Runnin' through the forest
Jumpin' fences, dodgin' trees
An' tryin' to get away
Contemplatin' nothin'
But escape an' fin'lly makin' it
Oo-de-lally, Oo-de-lally
Golly, what a day
Oo-de-lally, Oo-de-lally
Golly, what a day
Lyrics and Music by Roger Miller

But Robin Hood is only a myth, right? Is it morally acceptable to be a thief no matter how lofty your goals?

King John and the Sherrif of Nottingham unjustly ruled the land in King Richard's absence and their laws were harsh and unfair. Robin Hood and his Merry Men took it upon themselves to help the poor people that were being taxed to poverty. Makes sense to me. The poor folk needed a hero. Stealing in this case is a necessity and the moral implications far outweigh the illegality.

Robin was lauded as a hero when King Richard, the rightful ruler of England, came back from the crusades. Why? His actions were against the laws of the country!

Robin Hood's motivation was greater than stealing from the rich. He revolted against the false monarchy in control of England. The rightful leader was back in charge and the laws were changed back to the original status quo. Robin ceased his unlawful ways.
The current minyan of Rabbi Daniel Feldman's is Etz Chaim of Teaneck. It consists of some people that left Arzei Darom to pray at the Teaneck Jewish Center, Beth Aaron and mostly of people that prayed at The Teaneck Shul. They needed a place for all of the groups to come together. So they bought the house at 554 Queen Anne Rd. as a parsonage for Rabbi Feldman and place for him to lead services. There was not enough room for Rabbi Feldman's children to play, so they expanded the den. They also pray in the den because it is part of the Rabbi's house and he can lead services on his own property. It is laudable that Etz Chaim is taking very good care of the Feldmans. A Rabbi of his stature in the community and Yeshiva University with his high level abilities deserves the best for himself and his family. Rabbi Feldman deserves Etz Chaim and the congregants who vigilantly protect him. Building a den and running a private prayer group is expensive. Mortgage, utilities, construction bills and Rabbi Feldman's salary need to be paid. It was only logical for Etz Chaim to charge dues and a building fund. In order to make this all possible, Etz Chaim filed papers with the Township that stated the den was built as a family room and not as a Sanctuary for prayer. This was against Teaneck's laws, statutes, zoning code and illegal. Etz Chaim contends that they have done nothing wrong.

The Jewish Standard reported that: On Nov. 9, 2007, Feldman met with the township’s Gluck to tell him that a private prayer group would meet at the residence.
On May 28, the Rabbi and Joel Glucksman, his lawyer, met with Gluck to inform him that the plans for the prayer group had not changed since the first meeting.
At the request of Stanley Turitz, the township’s lawyer, Glucksman forwarded Gluck a letter dated June 20 “memorializing the activities that take place at the above-referenced address.”
According to the letter, “[W]hen Rabbi Feldman first decided to have a private prayer group in his home, it was of the utmost importance to him that everything be done above-board and in accordance with local ordinances.”
The letter also explains that services are held on the “Jewish Sabbath and on Yamim Tovim/holidays.”
“We told the town from the beginning what we were doing, and they confirmed that it was acceptable,” Feldman said. “We were not trying to hide anything.”

OR WERE THEY?!?!?

In the Aug. 8 letter to Feldman, Gluck acknowledges that “a packet of information” dated July 22 was submitted to the Building Department by residents in the vicinity of 554 Queen Anne Road and says that after reviewing Glucksman’s letter of May 28, “it is my opinion that the facts demonstrate that the above premises are now being used for a second principal use as a house of worship/place of public assembly without first obtaining a zoning permit in violation” of the township’s code.
If the services continue and the decision is not appealed to the zoning board within 20 days of the date of the letter, “summonses will be issued for each day the violation continues.”

On Dec. 15 there was a Board of Adjustment meeting at which the BOA considered Etz Chaim's application to turn the two-story house at Queen Anne Road and Van Buren Avenue into an orthodox synagogue. The entirety of the Dec. 15 hearing was given over to testimony by Robert Erlich, President of Etz Chaim if Teaneck. The hearing is scheduled to continue on Jan. 20 at a location still undetermined.

The Teaneck Suburbanite further substantiated that Etz Chaim believes that they have done nothing wrong.
(Robert) Erlich testified that Etz Chaim of Teaneck is a not-for-profit Jewish organization providing services such as religious and pastoral counseling to its members. The organization purchased the property in November 2007 and subsequently added a 1,230-square foot family room and adjacent 230 square foot kitchen. Etz Chaim leases the house to Rabbi Daniel Feldman, an employee of the organization, who conducts services on Friday evenings, Saturdays and Jewish High Holidays in the family room.

In 2006, prior to Etz Chaim's acquisition of the property, residents on Queen Anne Road, Griggs Avenue and Van Buren Avenue received letters sent on behalf of the owner of 544 Queen Anne and the adjacent house at 576 Queen Anne Road announcing plans to join the two houses to create a new synagogue-center, possibly with a Mikvah on location. The house at 576 Queen Anne is owned by Mario Guralink, an Etz Chaim member. In 2006 Guralnik was fined in Teaneck Municipal Court for illegally conducting a business from the house.

Throughout his testimony, Erlich asserted that, although Etz Chaim owns the house, Rabbi Daniel Feldman conducts the services independently as, what Erlich described, a "private prayer group."

Modern day Robin Hoods. Doing what they feel is correct in the face of the law. But in this case there is no Sherrif of Nottingham and no King John. The Township felt that what they were doing was wrong and Etz Chaim needed to apply to turn 554 Queen Anne Rd. into a synagogue. So what altruistic reason could there be to have an Etz Chaim of Teaneck? Why did they start the Synagogue?

The members of Etz Chaim of Teaneck believe that what they are doing is morally correct. It came to be from an amalgam of different groups for a single purpose. They created a Synagogue (or is it a Prayer Group?) for the lofty goal of not praying with Arzei Darom (the Shul down the block).

As reported by The Jerusalem Post:
The board also noted that it recently had approved the construction of a synagogue about four blocks away. The question was, why can't Etz Chaim's members walk down the street to pray at the existing synagogue?

This is where the issue becomes most uncomfortable. The synagogue down the street is modern Orthodox, with young families that are indistinguishable from those at Etz Chaim. Many were friendly with each other until roiled by personal disputes and factions. "Each different denomination has different ways of practice," Erlich said at the board hearing. "Some people are "not necessarily comfortable" at the other synagogue".

Wow. Lofty goal. Not to daven at Arzei Darom. Totally worth giving a black eye to Orthodox Jews in Teaneck.

The Jerusalem Post article continued:
The zoning board, which reconvenes next month to continue its hearings on Etz Chaim, is not hostile to the Orthodox. New synagogue buildings have been approved, while existing ones have expanded to serve Teaneck's growing Orthodox community.

Two things make Etz Chaim special, however. First is the unorthodox manner in which it remodeled the rabbi's residence to create worship space that technically may or may not have been what is commonly considered a synagogue, generating ill will in the process. The second is the implied threat of a lawsuit against the town if permission is denied. Etz Chaim is represented by the Rutherford Institute, a prominent legal organization that takes cases to protect religious rights. Its 2008 annual report lists Etz Chaim as a "pre-litigation."

Etz Chaim doesn't follow Township rules and will claim that their "religious rights" were violated if their permission is denied. Well, lets see what happens on the 20th.

Just because a group of people feel they are justified in their actions doesn't make what they are doing morally just, does it?

What do you think? Modern day robin Hoods? Open discussion below. Please be respectful of each other. Thank you.

Welcome

I have to start somewhere, so I guess an introduction is the best way to begin.

My name is Shluffenheimer MacDougal. I grew up in the Highlands just outside of a distillery.

I was born a month overdue and my mummy wouldn't stop screaming at night from the pain I had caused her from my kicking and sitting on her bladder, all the way to my eventual naturally birth. There was no time to get my mum the proper anesthetic to ease her pain. They named me Shluffenheimer because everyone in the house was finally able to get sleep after my birth.

I have made my home in Bergen County, NJ and I read all of local papers. Teaneck in particular interests me, especially the Blogs. I look forward to your answers and comments. Please keep the conversation constructive. I appreciate candor and truth. Alternative opinions to my own are respectfully accepted.

I will moderate based on violating these basic parameters. If you can't abide by them, please move on.

Have fun,

Shluffenheimer MacDougal


Updated 2/19/2010
The information in this weblog is provided "AS IS" with no warranties, and confers no rights.

This weblog does not represent the thoughts intentions, plans or strategies of anyone but me. It is solely my opinion. Feel free to challenge me or disagree with me. This weblog is intended to provide a semi- permanent point in time snapshot and manifestation of the various memes running around my brain.

I reserve the right to delete any comment for any reason whatsoever (abusive profane, rude, or anonymous comments) - so keep it polite and stay on topic please. Be aware that all comments on postings over 3 days old will be subject to moderation.

Enjoy and happy blogging.

- Adapted fromScottD Musings and Alex Barnett's Blog